How To Support A Grieving Friend
Support for a grieving person can take many forms. If you have experienced a form of loss yourself—the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a lost relationship, infertility, or possibly a miscarriage—you have your own perceptions of what support should look like. So when a friend goes through a difficult time you might feel a natural tendency to want to offer support in the way you most appreciate receiving help in your own time of distress.
That is a perfect place to start. But if you feel confused, at a loss, or unsure if your versions of comfort and support are right for someone else, read through this guide to supporting a grieving friend. With a few different options and perspectives on different forms of grief, your choice of support for someone experiencing a loss will feel easier.
What brings comfort to a grieving friend?
Would they like to have company or prefer to be alone?
There are so many ways to provide support for a grieving friend—how do you know what is best?
Let’s Establish Something Basic About Grief Support
The best way to support a grieving friend is by:
making your availability known and offering various support options, and give space for them to take the lead as possible.
being supportive for the long term and not just when grief is new.
understanding that everyone grieves differently.
Understand that everyone has a different way of dealing with grief. You may notice a change in emotion, as a typically calm person can show anger when experiencing grief. He or she may be inconsolable in the earliest days of loss. Your friend may openly grieve by crying, or they may withdraw.
Everyone Grieves Differently
People experience a variety of emotions and physical symptoms related to their grief. There is no correct or incorrect way to grieve. While it may feel uncomfortable to be around, it is most important your friend is making choices that don’t put them or others in danger as they process grief.
In addition to the expected feelings of anger, confusion, fear, and loneliness, a grieving friend might be impacted by physical sensations and behaviors that seem out of control. He or she may feel overly tired, or experience more frequent headaches or dizziness. There could be a tightness in the chest and sudden changes in weight. These are normal responses to loss, but watching your friend deal with these emotions and physical symptoms is heartbreaking.
Providing the right support for a grieving friend can seem challenging. You may have a strong desire to attempt to fix the situation or to do something to lessen their grief. While you cannot fix the situation, there are many things you can do to offer comfort and support a grieving friend.
Here are some ideas:
Let Your Friend Take The Lead
Walter Winchell, a famous American journalist once said, "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”
A real friend will support someone who is going through extremely difficult times and will realize that there is nothing that they can really do to make the situation better other than by just being there. The gift of your presence, your attention, and your compassionate empathy can often mean as much, if not more, than any purchased gift.
Research shows that spending time with those who care about us, especially friends, can be good for both our mental and physical health. If your friend wants to cry or be sad, your presence might be helpful. Crying is one of the natural ways that the body deals with grief and loss. If you feel like you don’t know what to do as the tears flow, here are simple things you can do to help:
Make sure tissues are handy.
Heat up water and make a calming cup of herbal tea.
Provide a shoulder to lean on.
These small acts can do wonders to help your friend feel acknowledged and validated.
The key to successfully helping and supporting your friend is by actively listening to what is needed. Then, compassionately empathize by taking action to help your friend move forward with their grief as they become ready.
For example, if your grieving friend told you that it feels better to be around people, offer to go grocery shopping with them. If you sense they want to stay home from social events, ask if they’d like you to watch a movie with them, or order in.
By helping a grieving friend get what they need to deal with their grief, you are supporting them in the best possible way.
Another common way for an individual to process grief is by going over the situation many times over. If you hear the same stories over and over, have patience and listen. A grieving friend may also ask questions to which there are no answers.
“Why did this happen?”
“Why me?”
“Is there something I could have done?”
Remember that you are supporting them with your presence, you do not need to have answers, and you cannot fix their grief, no matter how badly you wish you could.
Be careful about making assumptions. A grieving person may look just fine on the outside, but struggles to get through the moment on the inside.
Our culture often doesn’t understand or easily accept grief. It scares us. Allowing someone to process loss in the way that suits them is how you support a grieving friend.
Gift Ideas For A Grieving Friend
Choosing an appropriate sympathy gift for a grieving friend can be confusing and overwhelming. Here are some favorite items, some of which we include in our care packages today, that can offer support for a grieving friend.
Gifts that provide comfort | Often, we want to bring comfort in times where those we care about are struggling. Comfort is especially needed when someone has suffered a loss. Gifts that offer little breaks will provide the opportunity to feel that comfort in small bursts throughout the day.
Try these comforting gifts for a grieving friend:
Small snacks that can be grabbed when needed
massage balls to work out the kinks of tired muscles
instant teas and coffees that are available at a moment’s notice
Gifts that provide clarity to the senses | Grief is a confusing time. Gifts that help bring clarity to that confusion are very helpful.
Try these clarifying gifts for a grieving friend:
Special scents such as peppermint and eucalyptus are great for increasing focus and settling the mind.
Body cleansers and moisturizers will soothingly tend to the skin.
Gifts that refresh | Gifts items can be selected to restore hope and add a bright moment to the day.
Try these refreshing gifts for a grieving friend:
Aromatherapy scents in the citrus family can strengthen energy levels.
Flying Wish Paper on which your friend can write their wishes or intentions and send them off into the universe, lifting the spirits. We’ve seen these used meaningfully on anniversaries of death and loss.
Gifts that reduce anxiety and stress | A grieving friend will be dealing with additional stress and anxiety due to the loss they have endured.
Try these stress-easing gifts for a grieving friend:
Lotions, shower steamers, and specialized blends of aromatherapy will create a calming environment in addition to being comforting.
A blank journal allows a grieving friend a place to record their feelings and reflect as they learn to live with grief.
Gifts that encourage rest | Items that include calming fragrances will promote rest and relaxation.
Try these calming gifts for a grieving friend:
Lavender candles or roll-ons will soothe the senses.
A warm cup of herbal tea paired with a sweet treat will encourage your friend to relax and take the necessary time to pamper themselves.
Your friend will know exactly how much you care and support them during a difficult time when they receive gifts that are well thought out and support their individual needs.
Make grief gifting stress-free by sending a care package that thoughtfully hones in on one or all of the gift types listed here.
Check In With Your Friend For The Long Term
People most often come together to support a grieving friend shortly after the loss has occurred. There can be a surge of support in those early days, but as time goes on, that support dwindles. People move on with their own lives. We forget, or assume that grief simply dissolves after a certain amount of time.
In truth, grief continues long after the initial days and months after a loss. Show how much you understand your friend’s grief by acknowledging that loss for the long term. Grief reemerges around certain times and events that serve as a reminder of what has been lost.
Here are some common times for grief to take hold, even long after the loss event:
Holidays
Family celebrations
Friend gatherings
The anniversary of the day of the loss
Birthdays
Moving or redecorating a space that now sits empty
You can help by keeping track of those important days and reaching out with a quick message to let your friend know that you are thinking of them on this day. You might offer to spend some time with them, or meet them for a cup of coffee or a quick chat.
Being there in the best way for a grieving friend doesn’t come easily to most. We don’t love feeling uncomfortable and try to avoid triggering hard feelings for our friend (and for ourselves). But in reality, grief is something that we all have to face at some point. By learning how to support a grieving friend, we are better prepared to support ourselves through the grief that comes into our own life.