Speaking Of Grief … Let’s Talk About It
Does the idea of talking about grief make you uncomfortable? Are you afraid of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, or making someone’s grief feel even heavier?
You are not alone. We live in a culture that avoids honest discussion of the most difficult things we experience. Grief is one of those very difficult things.
I recently re-watched the grief documentary Speaking Grief. Its message and purpose of helping the world “get better at grief” is powerful, simple, and concise.
It’s a grief documentary everyone should see, shedding light on what it is to grieve, how we each grieve differently, and why we're so afraid to talk about it. The hour-long special is available to anyone online and is routinely aired on PBS stations. It is produced by SpeakingGrief.org: “a public media initiative aimed at creating a more grief-aware society by validating the experience of grievers and helping to guide those who wish to support them.”
I cannot get behind this well-done show and its message enough.
The experience of grief is as natural as the experience of living. Yet, while we openly share many of life’s experiences—buying new homes, welcoming new members to our family, relaying amazing vacation stories—we often ignore the topic of grief.
Grief, ironically, is one thing each of us will experience during our lifetime—yet we are fearful of “going there” when it strikes someone we know, care about, or love deeply. That fear of saying or doing the wrong thing can lead us to say and do nothing, deepening the feeling of isolation within the grieving person.
We live in a time of much loss. There is no better time to realize that it is okay to discuss it.
So, let’s talk about grief. If you haven’t yet watched Speaking Grief on PBS or online, it’s an hour well worth your time. Here’s our rundown of some of this grief documentary’s (and our) ideas about grief—in all its discomfort.
Let’s Talk About Grief That Doesn’t Vanish With Time
There is a myth that grief disappears with time. The old adage goes: “Time heals all wounds.”
Those who have experienced grief and loss, whether it is from the loss of a relationship, the loss of a child, miscarriage, infertility, or even the loss of life’s expectations due to medical conditions, the feelings of grief and loss never completely fade over time. Grief is carried throughout a person's life. A more apt statement is this, by an author unknown:
“Grief never ends … But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.”
As time passes, the permanence of a loss becomes more clear and more permanent. As life continues, milestones and events expose the gaping hole where the loss of a family member becomes center stage once again—graduation ceremonies, weddings, births, vacations, and the starting of new jobs or careers, to name a few.
The PBS documentary, Speaking Grief shows the stories of several individuals who share how their lives are forever changed from the loss of a loved one.
Even if the loss occurred many years before, significant life events can trigger strong feelings of grief. It is helpful to be aware of this and to feel comfortable addressing the absence of someone who would have been a key player in an important life event.
People often worry about bringing up the topic of a lost loved one at important life events. They worry about reminding the person of what is missing, but the reality is that the person is probably already very aware of that missing component. Mentioning this fact to a person who is grieving can help them feel validated, and also brings with it the warming sense of feeling supported.
Let’s Talk About Grief In Children
Loss affects each person in a family. Even children who may be too young to realize what is happening will grow up with the impact of that grief etched onto their souls. As they get older, they will experience symptoms of grief, the source of which they may not be able to identify.
Children can express feelings of grief in very different ways from adults. Temper tantrums, impulsive decision making, difficulties with concentration, anxiety, and sadness are only a few reactions typical of grieving children. Life events can trigger old feelings of grief as a child lives with the knowledge that a person isn’t there, or the experience is different because of something that happened to them.
For example, when a member of our Beyond Words Co. community lost her husband, her 10-year-old daughter hit and kicked those trying to comfort her when she learned that her father had died. Her entire body wailed and lashed out at the news that someone integral to her life was gone forever. Shortly after, she played outside with friends, seemingly oblivious to what was going on.
Children may not react as an adult would, but this does not mean they don’t feel grief.
When we approach a grieving family, we tend to focus our sympathy and conversation toward the adults, often ignoring any children. Messages like “Be strong for your parents” tell a child that they should not express their own grief and should focus on taking care of others.’
Adolescents in the Speaking Grief documentary speak of being told to take an adult role in caring for their parents’ grief in addition to trying to deal with their own.
Even asking a child “How are your parents doing?” can make a child sense that their grief is unimportant compared to their parents’. Age-appropriate responses to grief in children is necessary, especially if a child is developmentally unable to fully grasp the permanence of death, or the depth of a big loss, you can still focus on them and their needs, rather than assume that since they don’t fully understand, they’ll be fine..
It wasn’t uncommon for people to tell a grieving child that they need to be strong. This, along with telling a young boy that he is now the man of the house, for example, is unhelpful at best, and, more probably, damaging to the child’s sense of responsibility in relation to managing such a heavy burden.
Messages like this can also make things difficult for adult members of the family if the child feels they have more control or power than they actually do. Instead, we need to openly acknowledge that grief is something everyone deals with in their own way, whether woman, man, grown or young.
Children should be included in discussions around grief. We need to acknowledge the loss a child feels and talk about the person or situation in their presence; get their take on their personal experience with grief.
Be aware that everyone in the family is grieving, and parents struggle to deal with their children’s grief on top of their own. When loss occurs, the entire family needs support. Other resources to better understand and help respond include The National Alliance for Children’s Grief, and a great one in our own Beyond Words Co. backyard, The Grief Club.
Let’s Talk About Grief That Resides In Our Bodies
Close your eyes and picture a grieving person. What do you see?
Often, we see the image of a person crouched over, hands covering their face in an attempt to hold back falling tears, muffling the sound of crying. This is the sort of picture of grief that we expect to see. But grief carries with it a vast array of emotions and physical symptoms.
Similar to the emotions or stages of grief that have become popularly held, a person can feel:
Frustration
Guilt
Anger
Numbness
Confusion
Depression
Boredom
Grief can also take a physical toll.
The fog of grief can cause memory problems, especially with short term memory. This type of memory loss means that a person who is grieving may struggle to get through what was once a routine task. This can leave them feeling that there is something seriously wrong with them, even though these reactions are actually very normal.
As discussed in Speaking Grief, the loss of a loved one can feel like an amputation. Life continues with the loss, yet a grieving person can feel as though what was lost still exists.
Like the phantom pain of amputation, a griever feels renewed loss when the reality of their situation makes itself known.
It is important to take good care of both our mental and physical health during times of grief. The PBS documentary illustrates the physical symptoms of loss as described by many different individuals.
The realization that grief can come back and be felt at almost any moment is anxiety-inducing and exhausting. The body can react in physical ways to grief through body aches, migraines, and inflammation.
Our care packages are designed, in large part, according to this very notion: that the most appropriate response to the grief of those we know is to ease the literal pain of its symptoms by providing care items that nourish, can be easily consumed, and are readily used.
Let’s Talk About Grief And Secondary Losses
Loss makes one’s world topple out of control, or come to a complete stop. Yet it also brings on a sense of bewilderment at how the world goes on as though nothing has happened.
Neighbors walk dogs, children play at the park, coworkers and friends make weekend plans, all while the person grieving feels invisible in their pain. A grieving person can be left asking “Has the world not noticed this tremendous loss?” Navigating a world that does not recognize their grief further isolates the aggrieved.
Death, for example, forces people into roles they were not expecting, may not be good at, and may not want. Fathers find themselves raising motherless children, learning how to braid a daughter’s hair, or helping pick out a formal dress—activities not traditionally led by fathers.
Partners who depend on the income of their significant other may have to work several jobs or move from the only home their children have known in order to remain afloat.
These are “secondary losses” related to our sense of self or purpose. The life someone planned has suddenly changed into a life they may not want.
Secondary losses are newly added layers of grief that often go unrecognized and unsupported, leaving the grieving person to feel more isolated, invalidated, and weak.
It is critically important that we, as a culture, begin to talk more openly and honestly about grief.
It is time to understand and validate the true impact of loss on individuals and their families. It is time to push through the uncomfortable feelings we have surrounding grief, and to listen to one another.
Speaking Grief is an excellent place to start. The power of this PBS grief documentary is in its sharing the truth about grief from the perspectives of many different people.
Only by breaking the stigma and fear of talking about grief can we move forward to be of real support to one another, and lessen the impact grief—however unavoidable—has on our lives.
If someone you know is in grief and you’d like to reach out, but aren’t sure what to say, try speaking grief to them through action. Sending a care package designed to support, nourish, and calm is a unique gesture that will make its recipient feel held.