Grief Support Beyond “Let Me Know If You Need Anything"
When someone shares with you a hardship they’re experiencing, what is the first thing you say in offering of help?
“Let me know if you need anything” is a typical response, or some variation thereof, like ...
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Tell me what you need.”
“What can I do?”
“Do you need anything?”
“Keep me updated so I can help.”
These are instinctive and common responses when speaking to someone in need of help. We want to eliminate any question of whether we’re willing to help, but we don’t yet know exactly how we could or should help because we don’t yet have enough information.
Or maybe we do, but we’re not sure what’s appropriate, or what or if anything we might do actually matters in the face of tragedy.
These open-ended statements sound helpful, and most often, the intent behind them is genuine. But to a grieving person, while “Let me know” may be an appreciated offering, very rarely will it be followed up on by the person to whom it was offered.
To understand why, we need to understand how grief works. Once you “get it,” we’ve got you covered with a number of different things you can say the next time you’re in a situation where someone is struggling and you want to support them.
Why “How Can I Help” Might Be Unhelpful To Someone In Grief
If the grieving person is able to think of something that they need, most likely the thing at the top of that list would be the desire to have what was lost in the first place.
They know, and you know, that little can be done to reverse what has happened. The phrase “Let me know if you need anything” puts the ball in the griever’s court, actually adding to their difficult situation rather than helping it.
Next, they may not even know what they want or need. Each day can leave them feeling like they are floating through life with little control or ability to manage routine tasks.
Finally, a grieving person may be faced with myriad decisions, financial situations, career and relationship choices, shifting housing arrangements ... each of these can become overwhelming. Asking them to identify and coordinate the support they need is like asking them to step onto a podium and lead a symphony without any knowledge of how to read music or cue the different players.
Instead, you can take the baton and do real things that will provide the kind of grief support that is really needed. Here are some ideas.
Ask Questions To Get A Read On What Might Provide Grief Support
One of the first things you can actively do to help a grieving person is to ask questions. Instead of asking, “What can I do to help you?” ask questions with yes or no answers. These types of questions will guide you in finding a meaningful way to help.
Here are examples of what you ask a grieving person:
"Can I call you tonight/tomorrow/this weekend?"
"Can I come over and spend a little time with you?"
"Would you like to talk about it?"
"Do you feel comfortable sharing what's on your mind with me?"
"I understand that it might not feel right to open up to me. Is there someone else who you might feel more comfortable talking to, and can I help you get in touch with them?"
“Would you like to get away for a while? Would you like to go for a ride/walk/swim?”
Asking questions will help you to better match your support to the needs of the person grieving. You can ask questions that will support the real physical and emotional changes that occur during grief.
People grieving can experience appetite changes, aches and pains, and an increase in headaches. These changes are often most intensely noticed in the early stages of grief. Small gestures that address these specific needs can have a big impact.
Scope out our care packages to get a feel for items that are specifically designed to provide comfort and calm during these stressful moments.
Be Specific About How You Can Help Someone In Grief
The desire to help another when they are dealing with a traumatic event is human nature. You feel empathy toward them and also desire to let that person know that you care. You want them to know that you see them, you see their pain, and that they can come to you.
It’s always difficult to know, in the moment, exactly how to provide grief support—which is why we offer “anything” or “you tell me” to keep things open.
But you can be more specific about how you would like to help.
If you know the person grieving well, you may have specific ideas related to their interests and hobbies. Any knowledge about what that person typically likes or does to release stress will be helpful in providing them with meaningful support.
But even if you don’t know them well, you can still be more specific in the questions you ask. Focus your questions on offering things that you are actually willing to do.
You can ask things like:
“What is your favorite food? I would like to bring that to you tomorrow/this weekend/in the next few days.”
“I’m running to the grocery store. Do you need any essentials like laundry detergent, toilet paper, or food for your pets? I would be happy to pick that up and bring it to you.”
“Would your kids like to go to the park? I can take them for a bit this afternoon/this weekend.”
“I’d be happy to take your dog for a walk. Would that be helpful?”
No two situations are the same. Come up with a variety of possibilities before asking your questions. This will help to make sure that one of them meets the person’s needs and will be accepted. Once the person has taken you up on an offer, you can come back at a later time and see if that is still something that they need.
Let Them Take The Lead
When you ask different questions and make specific suggestions, a grieving person may tell you that they just want to be left alone. Let them take the lead.
Some people want and need, time to themselves to process what has just happened. Do not take their refusal personally. You can still be supportive by acknowledging their need for space and privacy during a traumatic time.
Wait for a period of time. After a few days or a week or two, ask again. You may want to specifically ask if it is ok for you to check in on them again in a few days.
You may find that, after time, your offers fit perfectly into what they need in that new moment.
Grieving individuals often seek or wish they could just feel a sense of normalcy. After a traumatic event, a lot of time and energy is spent on tasks that were not part of life before the trauma. Arranging for new housing, finding ways to care for young children, or planning for services were not part of the person’s life prior to this experience. It’s understandable, then, that they may feel best by sitting on the couch, binge-watching a television series, and eating ice cream.
Listen to what they need, do not judge it or suggest it’s the wrong thing for them, and do your best to offer that thing.
OFFER TO Get THEM Outside
Studies have shown that spending time in nature elevates mood, mental health, and emotional well-being.
So instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” be proactive and offer to take them on a scenic drive, or go to a local park. Even large cities have areas designated for urban nature. Many cities have botanical gardens and parks that fill the need to surround oneself in the calming powers of green spaces. If the weather isn’t great, think of places that bring the outdoors in: Indoor arboretums, greenhouses, or the zoo.
Find those areas and plan a short outing. Bring a special drink or some snacks and allow the grieving person to just sit and talk (or not talk) while soaking up the benefits of fresh air.
Most states also have designated scenic or historic byways or routes. If one of these is nearby, you could plan a mini road trip. Again, pick up some snacks for the drive and just let nature do its job.
There may be a lot of conversation or there may be very little. Don’t be afraid of silent moments—these may be exactly what is needed. Be equally ready to listen to conversations about the trauma they’ve endured. That story may be repeated many times as a way to process the feelings associated with it.
Just Be Present
Often, the best way to provide grief support is by just being there.
Physically being present to share in the space of grief is a powerful way to help a grieving person. The gift of your time can mean more than actual physical offers of help. You can offer to come and just sit on the couch with the person and listen to what they want to share. You can offer to sit and share the quiet space of their grief. If you can’t be present in-person, you can do so via computer or phone. Because of Covid-19, we now have more options and technologies than ever before to be virtually present with other humans.
Grief is an isolating experience. Your presence, no matter its form, can do a lot to help someone feel acknowledged, validated, and less alone.
If you wish to bring something with you for an in-person visit, know that the grieving person may not be interested in eating or drinking anything, but they will still appreciate that you thought of them. While each situation of grief is unique, most people have said that the one thing they want and need most is companionship.
Now that you have a few options in your back pocket, you’ll be ready the next time you’re speaking to someone about a hardship or transition in their life.
Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” you can catch someone off guard in the best way possible by having a suggestion at the ready. . Your grieving friend or family member will appreciate that they didn’t need to direct their own support.
And you will walk away with a plan to help, feeling glad in knowing you did a helpful thing.