Understanding The Loneliness Of Grief
Loneliness is a feeling that can slice through the grieving process at any moment, and it’s not often fleeting. Feelings of loneliness can last long after an initial event or course of events that spurs grief.
People often associate loneliness with a mental image of a person looking sad by themselves—no one else present. That’s exactly what grief can feel like, much like you are alone with no one else to understand exactly what you are going through.
It’s because its true.
Regardless of the commonalities of a grief experience, no two of them are alike, and that’s precisely why it feels lonely. No one has the same life experiences, beliefs, or values that impact their grief journey in the same way. Each person alone experiences their unique grief, yet, it does not always have to feel lonely.
A person can feel loneliness when life has suddenly changed in ways that weren’t desired. Loneliness can be felt when a support system has changed. This change could be directly related to losing someone, or from the isolation of losing connections to friends and family who may be unavailable for a variety of reasons.
Feelings of loneliness can occur at any age. Recent studies have shown that one-third of adults aged 45 and older suffer from loneliness.
Loneliness After Lifestyle Changes
Life is undoubtedly different after a loss. There are expected changes that occur when someone dies, but significant changes also occur when someone has experienced a loss of another kind. Divorce, infertility, and the diagnosis of a serious medical condition can bring sudden changes to daily routines and responsibilities. A serious medical condition can leave a person more limited in what they can do.
These limitations then trickle down and affect the entire family or social support system. It can be challenging to manage an intricate medication schedule or find accessible ways to physically navigate outside of the comforts of home. Another factor that impacts the daily routines of someone with a serious medical condition is the reality that exposure to other people can become a dangerous situation for someone who is immunocompromised. Events that were attended regularly now fill families with fear. With all of these concerns, it is more clear why many people find that it might be easier to cancel plans.
These missed opportunities add to feelings of depression, isolation, and loneliness. A divorced or widowed parent can become easily overwhelmed by trying to keep schedules the same as they were when there were two adults that could share the tasks. Living this type of schedule becomes stressful or perhaps unmanageable over time.
Other lifestyle shifts that might be considered positive overall can still yield a lonely aftermath. Think of the college student living away from home and adjusting to life on their own for the first time, or the new mother adjusting to the major changes associated with taking care of a newborn. The stresses this can place on home life, worklife “balance,” and finances are just the beginning. She may have postpartum depression (PPD) or postpartum anxiety (PPA). But what is nearly universal is that at some point, a new mother will experience feelings of loneliness simply due to the nature of being a new mother in the twenty-first century—that is, she’s doing far more alone and without a village than in any known time in the history of modern civilization.
Loneliness Does Not Equal Being Alone
Loneliness can be confused with solitude. Loneliness is defined as a sadness that is felt because someone is lacking friends or company. Solitude is the actual state of being alone.
This means that it is possible for someone to feel lonely when around others. A person can be surrounded by hundreds and even thousands of people, yet feel that they don’t have a close friend or companion. The person sits in the large group, watching others live their lives while feeling that they are merely an outside observer. A lonely person can feel invisible.
Loneliness is a strong emotion during early grief. At first, a grieving person may be flooded with support. People may bring meals, the house may be filled with family or close friends who are lending a hand, but this level of support rarely lasts longer than a few weeks. After that, those able to help return to their own lives, leaving the grieving person alone and more aware of their loneliness.
Loneliness After Support System Changes
Feelings of loneliness can last a long time and the sense of loneliness lingers on. Family and friends may notice this loneliness and try to be supportive with comments like “at least you have children” or “we are here for you if you need us.” These statements rarely offer the support that the person making them intends to give.
“Let me know if you need anything” is a kind gesture, but a person may need that kind of support at an inconvenient time, such as in the middle of the night or during emotionally filled days such as holidays and anniversaries.
No matter what has caused the loss, whether it is death, divorce, the loss of a relationship or job, or due to a serious medical condition, the grieving person’s life has been altered. That person is now in a position where they need to either create or find new systems of support. The phrase “it takes a village” is true for grieving adults just as it is true for raising children.
It’s extremely stressful to put oneself out there and ask for help, even when others have offered to provide that help. Doing so requires testing relationships and finding out that some friends or family might not be there when called upon.
The Effects Of Loneliness On Health
Grief and loneliness have become a real problem in our society. Even before the coronavirus pandemic, it was estimated that three out of five people were experiencing loneliness. This strain can affect a person’s mental and physical health.
Loneliness can cause changes in a person’s ability to focus, their clarity in making decisions, and can affect learning and memory. These mental health issues can then lead to increased stress and an increased risk of poor decision-making in an attempt to find relief from negative feelings.
Chronic loneliness can also have an impact on physical health. Chronic feelings of loneliness can lead to poor eating habits and weight gain or loss, potentially leading to several other health problems such as increased blood pressure, heart disease, and stroke. People suffering from loneliness can also experience problems sleeping and a weakened immune system, which makes them more susceptible to illness.
With all of these effects of loneliness, you may wonder about what can be done to help. Here are some ideas!
How To Help Someone Who Feels Lonely While Grieving
Keep in touch | People often reach out and contact a grieving person shortly after they have experienced a loss. Grief and loneliness continue long after that moment. Make plans to reach out regularly, and for the long haul. Meet for coffee or a meal and give the gift of your time and attention. Let the person share what they are going through, knowing that you are able to handle their honesty.
Invite the person for events, but be ready to accept no as an answer | If the grieving person enjoys concerts, shopping, or dancing, or you know of other interests they have, invite them to an event. If they say that they aren’t up for whatever you are offering, don’t take it personally. Ask them if there is something else that they would prefer to do, and if they still don’t want to participate, let them know that you respect their decision. Wait a period of time and ask again—they may feel differently!
Offer to help | The sudden lifestyle changes that come with loss make it stressful to manage and maintain schedules that were normal in their life before. Suddenly, car maintenance, yard upkeep, and home repairs begin to pile up and often now fall on the shoulders of the person/people who is struggling with grief and loneliness. Be aware of things that need to be done. Task and to-do’s such as cleaning out gutters, repairing a front door, or getting a vehicle in for an oil change are all perfect opportunities to offer help. Take note of things that need to be done and provide a specific offer to help. This will help the grieving person to feel noticed, supported, and less lonely.
Show them support with thoughtful gifts | A grieving person can feel real comfort from intentionally chosen gifts that provide comfort, rest, and calmness. These don’t have to be extravagant gifts. In fact, a small item in a care package for grief can have a large impact in helping someone feel nurtured and nourished at a very difficult time. Beyond Words Co. offers a wide variety of care packages and gifts that can be purchased and sent directly to someone’s home.
Knowing how grief raises feelings of loneliness will help you better support a friend or family member who is struggling with one of the most difficult emotions that grief brings.