When Kids Grieve
During November, National Children’s Grief Awareness Month, families spend more time together as we enter into another holiday season. It’s a good time to think about the youngest members of our families suffering from grief and loss.
It is easy to unintentionally overlook the grief of a child. Here are a few ways it happens:
Adults may believe that children are too young to understand what has happened.
Older children may seem oblivious to the loss, making it difficult or awkward to bring up conversations about grief.
Friends and family may give older children misleading or unrealistic instructions, resulting in a child getting the message that they need to "take care" of their parents or other family members. This puts a burden on them that they are not ready or capable of handling.
We need to learn more about how to help children with grief. This article will help you understand:
Initial experiences of grief in children
How grief looks different at different ages
How to have honest conversations about grief with kids
The recurrence of grief in kids over time
Other ideas to help a grieving child
Initial Experiences Of Grief In Children
One out of every 20 children will lose a parent to death before they graduate from high school. Kids often appear to be acting “normally” on the outside. They go to school, participate in scheduled activities, and play with friends and family. However, while completing these routine tasks, the absence of an important person in a child's life is still felt.
Children of all ages need support and here are just a few ideas to help understand grief and children.
The Concept Of Death Or Loss Isn’t Yet Fully Understood
Very young children may seem oblivious to the idea that someone has died. They often think that the loss is reversible or that the person isn’t really dead at all and will return. Many cartoons and video games foster an idea of “never dying,” making it a concept that is hard to fully understand.
It may appear that a young child is playing and interacting with others as though nothing has happened. Their grief, if not felt in that moment, will become more real as time goes by.
Parents Or Caretakers Are Unable To Provide Adequate Support Due To Their Own Grief
When the loss is one that is close to the family, such as losing a parent or a child, adults in the family are often unable to immediately support a child due to their own grief.
In the case of a death, service arrangements often consume the first few days after a loss, keeping adults busy and allowing little time to support children through the process. This leaves a child isolated and disconnected from the life they used to have.
Changes In Routine After A Loss
If a child has lost a parent, especially the primary caregiving parent, there will be changes in their daily routine. A divorced or separated parent may now need to step into a caregiving role that they have never done before. A surviving parent will, too, and they will do things differently, and possibly not as well, as they learn to complete those tasks that were more automatic for the other parent.
A surviving parent undoubtedly holds the child differently, performs grooming tasks differently, and even smells different. These sudden changes can have an impact on children of all ages.
Grief Looks Different At Different Ages
A child may not be aware of the realities of their own grief. They may feel that this is a temporary situation and that the loved one will either return or even may never have died. This can leave a child feeling confused. One moment there can be tears, followed by joy, the reliving of memories, and later on, more tears.
A child may seem ambivalent toward their grief in one moment and completely overcome by it in the next moment. Certain events can trigger stronger emotions in a child. Important days, such as birthdays, holidays, and school events can be emotionally charged. It is important to be aware of the signs that a child is struggling with grief.
Common Signs Of Grief In Children
Difficulty concentrating | Thoughts of loss can creep into a child’s mind at many different points throughout the day. This can make it difficult to complete tasks with focused concentration. In school, a child's grades may slip. Similarly, at home, tasks may not be completed as they once were.
Problems sleeping | Children and adults experience nightmares after a loss, and these dreams can become more intense over time. Children may wake often during the night. They may feel fearful of images in their dreams, or they may wake up feeling sad because the person who has died appeared in their dream because when they wake, the loss becomes more evident. Children may then become afraid to go to sleep, fearing that they won’t wake up or that they may have bad dreams.
Clinginess, anxiety, and feelings of abandonment | After losing a loved one, children often fear losing other friends and family members. This can cause them to feel anxious and become more attached than they had been. They may experience more separation anxiety when going to school, or if they are going away for a longer period of time. Older children may check in with their parents more often to reassure themselves that everything is ok.
Developmental regression | Many children will revert to more childlike behaviors after a significant loss. They might suddenly want to be held more or cared for in ways that are similar to a much younger child. This need for soothing is normal and should pass with time. Some children also regress in unconscious ways. Children who have not had bladder issues may begin to wet the bed at night. Again, these behaviors are often temporary. If they last for an extended period of time, it may be a good idea to have a conversation with a healthcare provider or therapist.
Changes in behavior or play | The type of play that children engage in after grief can look different. A grieving child plays with toys in ways that replay or re-enact the traumatic event from their perspective. Sometimes, a child will display uncharacteristic behaviors such as excessive sadness or anger.
Feelings of guilt | Children may have a difficult time understanding how death has occurred. A child may feel a sense of guilt or responsibility in the loss, even when they have absolutely no fault. It is important to have conversations about the loss at the level that the child can understand. It is also a good idea to seek out the help of professionals if a child is struggling with any of their reactions towards the loss.
Having Honest Conversations With Kids About Grief
Children generally have a lot of questions, and a traumatic event will undoubtedly lead to even more. It can be difficult for a parent or an adult to know the best way to answer them.
One challenge may be that answering questions about a loss reopens wounds for the adult as well, and it can be hard to know exactly what to say and what not to say.
While it is always best to seek out the advice of a professional, you can answer questions honestly and with concrete information. When a person has died, they do not come back. They do not breathe or eat. Their body has stopped working. Adults can prepare for these difficult conversations ahead of time.
Recurrence Of Grief In Kids Over Time
Grief is different for each person, and children are no exception. There may be periods of time where a child seems unaffected by a loss, and then a short time later the same child can feel overcome with emotion. Grief comes in spurts, and for a child, the reality of the loss becomes apparent over and over as time passes.
The loss that a child feels, while often intense at first, is a loss that will be grieved at many stages as the child grows up. Major life events, such as graduations, weddings, and the addition of new family members are obvious changes that occur without the loved one present.
Children are also impacted by day-to-day losses such as not having a deceased parent in the stands for their sporting event, or in the audience at a performance, or not being there the day braces are taken off, or through a difficult project, event, or period of development.
Other Ideas To Help A Grieving Child
It is a good idea to reach out to a professional to help children and families deal with grief together.
Separate from therapy, caretakers, friends, and supporters of a grieving child can look into bibliotherapy, or book therapy, as a place to start conversations. Start with childbereavement.org’s list of books available to help children and adults of all ages deal with grief and loss.
Create a memory box. A box or container can be filled with items that bring good memories of the loved one. It might contain photos, a small item that belonged to the person, or cards or drawings. The idea is to have something accessible and tangible for those moments when sadness hits. The child can decorate the outside of the box to personalize it, too.
Create a memory lantern. See this unique activity here, and one which works well for the holiday season.
Create a Memorial Ornament. Overall steps for this craft can be found here.
15 Meaningful Grief And Loss Activities To Help Kids Cope With Death from the team at Scary Mommy. See this wonderful list here.
One of the goals of National Children’s Grief Awareness Month 2021 is to raise awareness of the impact of death on children. I encourage you to explore the Children’s Grief Awareness Day website for wonderful information and resources that can help families and children suffering from grief and loss.