What to Say in a Sympathy Card
When life events leave a person we know feeling afraid, confused, and hurt, a note communicating sympathy, “thinking of you,” or “hang in there” is a simple way to help them feel less alone.
But knowing what to say in a sympathy card when faced with that blank space can be daunting.
Guess what—you’re not the only one who feels this way!
Most feel uncertain about what to write in a sympathy card, wanting the words to be supportive and helpful, but feeling afraid of saying the wrong thing.
If you’ve sent a Beyond Words Co. care package, you know that we hand-write any personal message you wish to communicate to a grieving recipient (including dozens of Xs and Os, if that’s what you put in the message field!). We’ve handwritten thousands of sympathy card messages. We’re taking that insight to give you every guideline you need to avoid unhelpful comments, as well as examples you can use to formulate a thoughtful, loving message for a difficult time.
What We Recommend Avoiding In A Sympathy Card
Knowing what not to say can give you more confidence in writing a sympathy card that helps someone through a difficult time.
Avoid platitudes
At some point, you have probably used platitudes when trying to find the right words in the face of a difficult situation. These familiar sayings can quickly come to mind when you search for something to say in a sympathy card. Be aware that platitudes often come off as dismissive to the person receiving them. Phrases like “time heals all wounds,” or “your person is in a better place,” may do little to help a griever feel supported.
Other platitudes to avoid include:
“You have your whole life ahead of you.”
“He/She had a good life (or a long life).”
Avoid giving advice
It can be hard not to feel compelled to offer the grieving person advice, especially if you have been through something similar yourself. You may think that the person should “get out there” or “take it easy,” but the truth is that your advice may have the opposite effect of what you intend.
Be careful in making suggestions to your hurting friend or family member. Everyone who grieves has a different situation, a different perspective, and different needs. When writing a sympathy card, limit specific advice, unless asked directly.
Other comments to avoid
Here are common phrases used to offer support that, in reality, can come across as dismissive. We recommend not including these types of phrases when writing a sympathy card:
“I understand how you feel.”
“I can’t imagine…”
“I don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes.”
“He/She is in a better place.”
Anything that starts with, “At least.”
“At least they didn’t suffer.”
“At least they aren’t in pain anymore.”
“At least you have children.”
“At least you are young.”
Starting a message with the phrase “at least” makes it seem that there is some kind of advantage to the loss. These phrases, along with the others listed above, will make it difficult for the grieving person to feel the support you want to show them.
Suggestions For What To Say In A Sympathy Card
So, what is most helpful to say in a sympathy card? Finding the best words for a sympathy card can be easier when you approach it from the viewpoint of the person grieving. You should show your appreciation for what was lost or show that you share in their feelings of grief.
Your message does not have to be long. A short and compassionate note of condolence will help the hurting friend or family member feel seen, understood, and validated.
It might feel counterintuitive, but it’s okay to state that you don’t know what to say. When Emily McDowell received a cancer diagnosis, she noted how much people struggled to say things to her that were helpful, and she created a line of punchy sympathy cards that spoke to the issue. Her cards garnered so much enthusiasm, Emily wrote a book: There Is No Good Card For This: What To Say And Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, And Unfair To People You Love.
Messages Of Appreciation
It is meaningful to share a message of appreciation for what the person is going through. You can simply say “I am thinking of you.” You can also go beyond these messages and add more personal information, especially if you knew the person well. A more personal message can significantly help the grieving person to feel supported and cared for.
Some examples of appreciative messages to write in a sympathy card are:
“What a wonderful person and what a remarkable life.”
“I admired (name of loved one) because …”
“I feel lucky to have known him/her.”
“I will never forget the time (share a memory).”
Messages Of Condolence
Another way to approach your message in a sympathy card is to join the person in their grief. Grief is isolating and uncertain. It can be comforting to someone who is hurting to know that you have the same feelings—but do be careful not to equate your level of devastation with theirs (or even make it about your devastation at all).
Some examples of condolence messages to write in a sympathy card are:
“Know that you are not alone, and we are right alongside you.”
“This is a heartbreaking time. We share in your sadness, and are with you.”
“I know that words cannot fix this; I hope it is comforting to know that we love and care about you.”
“Words fail to express how sorry I am.”
These are good starting places for writing a sympathy card.
Sending Religious Messages
Religion can be a source of comfort for many people during traumatic times. If you are thinking of including a religious message, it is important to be respectful and aware of the religious beliefs of the person receiving your card. Sending a religious message to someone who does not share those beliefs can be off-putting or even offensive. If you are unsure how a religious message will be received, it’s best to choose another option.
Offers To Help
In addition to sending a sympathy card, it can be a relief to the person grieving to know that they have a network of support around them to help in more tangible ways.
Be careful not to use the common phrase, “If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.” This statement, while kindly intended, does little to actually help. Dealing with grief is overwhelming and confusing on its own. Offering generic help puts an additional burden on the person who is grieving. They must now think of what is needed and then feel comfortable enough to reach out and ask for that help.
It’s best to be direct about what you are willing and able to do. Offer to bring a coffee or tea and just sit with the person and listen to them. Offer to pick up groceries on the weekend and drop them off on the doorstep. If they have children, offer to take them for a few hours to give that person some time alone. Once you have made an offer, make sure to write yourself a reminder note so that you don’t forget to follow through and get it set up to happen!
Follow Up After Writing A Sympathy Card
Grief doesn’t end after all of the cards are read, and the casseroles have been eaten. A grieving individual will continue to feel the impact of their loss indefinitely.
Important dates, such as birthdays, wedding anniversaries, major holidays, and the anniversary of the loss, can be stressful and can elicit strong feelings of grief for years to come. These are great times to be attentive to these recurring feelings and offer additional support and acknowledgment.
To follow up with a grieving person long after the event has taken place, send another short message to recognize that you know the day holds special meaning to them.
Some examples include:
“I know that it has been several months and that the hurt does not go away. I’m still thinking of you.”
“This holiday won’t be the same without (name of person). Know that you are in my thoughts.”
“It has been a year since (the loss event). I wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you on this day.”
When sending a sympathy card, genuine words will express just how much you care. If you write from your heart while keeping in mind the guidelines listed here, it’s unlikely anything less than a message of love and support will be conveyed and appreciated.
If you still find yourself in a tailspin of worry over figuring out “the right thing to say,” know this: The effort of sending a message of support already speaks volumes, even if it didn’t come from the hands of Shakespeare himself. You’re doing right by stepping out of your comfort zone to give much-needed support to someone you know who is suffering through grief.